« One small step | Main | Gadgets or communication tools? »
November 24, 2003
thank goodness for fathers
I'm defending my Phd today and tomorrow. I've been working flat out for weeks, I'm sheet-white with anxiety and this morning as I was crawling out of bed, having lain awake for hours, my daughter's father rang. "She's got the flu."
He and I have shared custody of our daughter, amicably so, but this was supposed to be my week. I'd worked out how she could spend the afternoon at a friend's house, how I'd pick her up this evening after giving my trial lecture, how she could hang around helping organise the celebratory party tomorrow night. But she's sick. She can't go to school. It's my week, her father already stayed home with her last Friday. The guilt I felt on the phone, saying "can she please stay two extra days with you?" was horrid. A mother is not supposed to ditch her sick child, you know?
I'm fortunate enough to have a wonderful co-parent who does his share of parenting. He always has, from those early changes of nappies and the waking in the middle of the night. He's looking after our daughter for two extra days, cancelling a score of meetings at work, just as he took far more than his share of childcare five years ago when I was finishing my MA. I've done my share too, when his job's necessitated weeks of travelling.
It would have been extremely hard to finish a PhD while being a mother if I had not been sharing parenting with a father who really does his share of the work. Thank goodness for fathers.
Posted by Jill Walker at 02:47 AM in General | Permalink
Comments
I hope your PHD defense goes well!
And it's nice to read such a glowing mention of a father... seems we hear that too rarely sometimes.
Posted by: Jennifer at Nov 24, 2003 6:49:01 AM
I am also a single mother working five jobs to pay for my PhD tuition - and keeping the roof over my head. It is very difficult. I am lucky that I have a good support system - my mother and my two ex's (long story). But if it wasn't for the fact that my two ex's have access to my son, I am not sure that I would be able to do my PhD. I also often envious of people with partners, someone to share the responsibilities and the stressors of graduate life. Financially, being a single mother is a death wish in graduate school. Besides the financial issues, faculty are not always understanding of my parental, financial and geographical constraints that I have (I can't afford to live right in Toronto). The issue here is the systemic barriers for women (or men) with children who want to attain a higher degree - but the system is set up for younger people (perhaps living with parents or in a one room hut near campus). Real life isn't like that, and it is a daily struggle. Jill, I share your concerns - and most of all your guilt. My son has attended numerous conferences, lectures and presentations that I have given because of sick days when people are working. Good Luck today!
Posted by: Netwoman at Nov 24, 2003 9:59:55 AM
Jill = I hear you. Sounds a lot like my life and I know what a painful juggling act it can be. I go nearly nuts when I see my son running around in the cold with no hat, no mittens, playing fast and loose with his health, because if he gets sick it can bring down our whole house of cards -- my house, my ex's, our work committments, our social committments, other family friends who might pitch in to help out and then THEY get sick. Of course, on the most basic level, I simply hate to have him get sick because I feel for him, but it can throw our system into chaos, just as you explain here. Thanks for writing about it.
Posted by: Halley at Nov 25, 2003 5:25:23 AM
