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June 19, 2005
Confidence Game
I was at the pool the other day, next to two girls who must have been ... about 14 years old ... stretched out in their bikinis. I was looking at their long thin torsos and very narrow hips. And I was thinking about the mothers around the pool, how they looked like women and many looked like women who'd gone through childbirth once or several times. They didn't look like these slim young girls.
I was thinking about how the 14 year olds looked like models in magazines -- a lot more than I did. But I was also thinking about how "women's magazines" continue to use teenaged girls as clothes models and even they (as we've read about) are air-brushed because they aren't perfect enough.
It suddenly seemed insane. It is insane. But what it does is send a not-so-subtle message that being a slim, nearly invisible girl is some how acceptable, but being a fully grown woman is not.
I was trying to think if this message is sent out to men from any source. I can't imagine a large, round bellied geeky guy in his 40's worrying about whether he had flat enough abs and looked good in swim trunks. Would it occupy his mind for long? Would it zap his confidence? Would he think, "Wow, I can't start a new company and get up in front of people and make speeches and woo venture capitalists with a big portly belly like this!" I don't think he'd think twice.
Do women get lots of messages daily along the lines that THEY ARE NOT OKAY? I think so. I get the "not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not cute enough" messages coming at me all the time. Does it affect our self-confidence? I think it does.
Posted by Halley Suitt at 09:51 PM in People | Permalink
Comments
I think women are bombarded by plenty of messages each day that they're not beautiful enough, skinny enough, etc. Mostly in advertising to sell a product... I don't pay a whole lot of attention to TV, magazines, etc. so I know some of my uneffectedness has to do with the fact that I don't partake in many of the things spewing the messages...
Another thing that what you've said has brought to my mind is "What about these attractive 14 year old girls laying in their bikinis in the sun? What sort of message are they sending to 40 year old men?"
Posted by: nikkiana at Jun 19, 2005 10:25:03 PM
We get it plenty as well. The idea of the bloke's bloke doesn't really exist anymore, at least not in the urban <40 age range. Look at alcohol advertising these days. It's either the dapper upwardly mobile young executives enjoying a drink at an expensive bar, or the boys out chasing girls, complete with perfectly set hair and coordinated wardrobes. The rise and fall of the metrosexual has left an indeliable mark on the way men now believe they are expected to look and behave. Even the blokey guys. This may not be so evident in the current set of 40+ guys, but wait for the next lot. These days, male self image is starting to take as much of a beating as female.
And I agree with nikkiana, what message are the 14-year olds sending, and to who?
Posted by: Raduza at Jun 20, 2005 12:12:47 AM
We know exactly what message the half-naked teens are sending, but do they know it? Do they really understand? I know at that age all I wanted was to look like a hottie. I didn't fully grasp that hotties are desired because they are sexual objects to be toyed with and put away. Thank God I wasn't a hottie because I guess I would have jumped feet first into that trap.
Of course, the media (not press, necessarily, but tv, movies, magazines, etc) fuels this fire because it is HOT and it gets your attention, thereby selling the drivel they call art. It's very easy to sell something with sex. It's much harder to actually sell something on its merit. For instance, look at "The Guy Game," or "Leisure Suit Larry" as the posterchild for crappy items sold by their sex factor. Both of these video games are poorly written with poor graphics/video. Should be non-sellers, but of course, they are selling (though not as well as a 'good' game). Or, Video Game Vixens on G4... A show that is a contest of pretty characters in video games. Of course, this happens in other industries, but since video games are my industry, I can site specific examples.
Guess I am am saying, I know exactly what you mean. The perfect body is impossible. Even Jennifer Anniston admits she was 'skinnied' in a photo at one of the awards shows. To her credit, she made a huge stink about it and she made them change the photo back. I mean, if the world changes her body to fit the ideal, just how unattainable is that ideal?
Robyn
Posted by: athomemama at Jun 20, 2005 1:13:13 AM
Thanks for the excellent comments. A number of men have been telling the same thing that nikkiana mentions above -- that men are feeling the pressure to look perfect too. Yikes!
I'm very interested in this notion that women with their mature bodies and strong adult child-bearing body types have essentially become "invisible" -- very much like menopausal women have been erased from our visual media.
Just like racist advertising, making people disappear, simply not exist, not be displayed in a world view, serves a purpose. It denies us the opportuntity to celebrate our strength. It denies others like us the opportunity to have a "story" or a "destiny" -- and sends a message loud and clear.
Surely, the two things that show women at their most powerful -- our ability to give birth -- and our ability to be mature, grown, competent women -- not silly little dressed up skinny girls -- are powerful images that could help girls grow into real people -- powerful women.
I know I'm preaching to the converted here, but also wanted to ask if you all have books I can read along these lines. Much appreciate anyone's pointers.
Posted by: Halley at Jun 20, 2005 8:14:39 AM
Whoops -- sorry, I meant the male comment was from Raduza. And to answer N's question about "What about these attractive 14 year old girls laying in their bikinis in the sun? What sort of message are they sending to 40 year old men?" -- Come on, you know exactly what message they are sending.
I could write on this subject for hours.
I'll take a slow approach. When I wrote my "How To Become An Alpha Male in 18 Easy Lessons" people didn't catch my often tongue n' cheek approach -- they thought I was anti-feminist and pro-male. I'm not. I was poking fun at the egos of very egocentric men. I was playing with all the stereotypes of male and female. Unfortunately, it did seem to give me poster girl status in very sexist men's eyes ... it wasn't my intention. The essays need to be read BETWEEN THE LINES.
When sexy skinny girls are parading around for the entertainment of 40 year old men ... well, obviously the men are going to enjoy the parade. The problem is all the cultural baggage that goes with it. There is public sanction still of younger woman/older man consensual relationships. Thanks to women like Demi Moore, the shoe is on the other foot now, but just a little bit. She is still considered some kind of freak.
Older men praising younger women is about more than their physical perfection -- and this is where it gets messy. Does an older guy pick a younger girl for the same reason he might pick an Asian woman who doesn't speak English or a Russian mail-order bride? Does he pick her because it allows him to have the upper hand and the power in the relationship? Does he pick her because she is more compliant than an equal female partner?
I'd say both the older guy with the younger girl AND Demi Moore w/her boy toy are slightly sick -- that they are choosing relationships that allow them them to dominate another person as the most obvious component of the relationship. Neither relationship is about sex, both are about power.
Even as a parent, I feel the abuse of power in an inherently UNEQUAL relationship is truly potentially malicious. Given the awesome responsibility of raising a child, you have to understand your work is all about empowering that less powerful person (your kid) and giving them the tools to become powerful, self-reliant and responsible for themselves and making yourself as a parent OBSOLETE.
If you are in an unequal relationship of any kind (student/teacher, worker/boss, child/parent) you should always be striving to give power to the other less powerful person and getting to PARITY of power.
In any sexual relationship with an older person/younger person, if this is not happening, then there is something inherently perverted about it.
In our society, this type of relationship also gives older women the message that if they are powerful, they will be punished for being powerful equals to men.
Posted by: Halley at Jun 20, 2005 8:39:04 AM
I enjoyed reading the Alpha Male posts, and read them from a couple of different angles. For better or worse, the majority of what you wrote is on the mark. The whole concept of the Alpha is based around the power that you've written about and how such power is a major drawcard to both men and women.
Men gravitate to a leader. Women will gravitate to someone with that same power and seem to willingly assume the unequal role, be it to an Alpha, an Older or a Richer. Until the honeymoon is over, of course, and they realise the raw deal they are in. This is why the Alpha usually has such a high turnover rate. This isn't a criticism of an entire gender, just an observation. You can spot it in just as many queer relationships; a distinct 'top' and 'bottom'.
However, when the typical role is reversed, it comes across as very wrong to many people. Househusband is still not a very well accepted term, and more often than not is seen as quite an emasculation. The most successful Alpha relationships that I can make out are those where 'behind every strong man is a strong woman'; that is, she holds a less obvious power that keeps him in check as well. This may well be as simple as feeding him or may be along more physical lines, as derogatory as it sounds. It is the clearly completely unbalanced nature of the Mail-Order that I still can't work out.
I guess what I've awkwardly (and possibly offensively) tried to get to is that I'm not sure whether the difference in power in a relationship is a bad thing. I'd venture to say that I'm not aware of too many evenly-balanced relationships. I think power is important in defining the identity of those in the relationship and, while being able to tear it apart, also helps keep it together. And keep it interesting.
My two cents, although I may be out of my depth here.
Posted by: Raduza at Jun 20, 2005 9:35:30 AM
Thanks Halley. Since my youngest daughter had anorexia, I have been very conscious of my own feelings about my weight. The only time I truly loved my body was after childbirth when I was breastfeeding. I got very thin and my breasts filled with milk and I looked like a magazine model--at least until I fed the baby or babies--I had twins. Obviously I couldn't keep using this method to control my weight and I have never found anything else that could keep my body so happy. I now look back and wonder, did I love my body or did I love people telling me all the time how gorgeous I looked after having a baby?
Posted by: Deborah at Jun 20, 2005 5:06:07 PM
I'm a large, round bellied geeky guy in my 30's. I do worry about whether I have flat enough abs. Well, actually, I worry about how regardless of what shape my abs may be in they're buried under a layer of flab... Either way, I don't believe I look good in swim trunks.
I certainly think there's plenty of imagery around to make men feel unconfident about their own bodies. (Although I think we get it slightly better in that the male body image du jour encourages you to get fit, which is probably more healthy than being encouraged to starve yourself.)
But it only worries me to the extent that means I'm not confident that people will find me attractive. That doesn't really have any big effect outside of romance.
The fact that I consider myself unattractive has no bearing on my confidence in the rest of my life. On the contrary, I've always suspect that it is part of what drives me to try harder to succeed in other areas - I'm compensating for not looking hot. It has never occurred to me to think "Hmm, I shouldn't aim for that job because I'm not attractive enough." I honestly don't see the connection, and I was completely nonplussed when I got to that part of this entry.
I'm not confident because I'm not worried about how I look. I'm confident despite not liking how I look.
Posted by: Ian Griffiths at Jun 21, 2005 8:16:24 AM
Take a look at the new Zelnorm television ads that include both men and women. Many of the people pictured are over 40, but when they start lifting their shirts to show their stomachs all the men look like 40 year old guys in reasonably good physical shape, though a bit wider at the middle and all the women look like they are 22, heck most of us didn’t look that good at 22. So the message is…men can have digestive problems and be a bit doughy but women better be in great shape before they say they have a problem. Not good, not good at all.
Posted by: Lois at Jun 22, 2005 10:53:29 AM
And Ian, isn't that the horrible aspect of sexist society: that the realization that women live their lives "as their bodies" comes almost as a surprise to us men, who have not had to live like that? Constantly being equated with your appearance, your ever-decaying flesh.
I'm the skinny type myself, not fulfilling the template either. Just like you, I seldom have to pay the dear price of self-loathe. The constant media conditioning affects and targets others. But I have to live in this world, and my freedom tastes a bit sour when it comes at the expense of others' misery. So, you and I need to take other gendered beings' suffering seriously. This is not an individual issue, this is a societal issue.
On a happier note, I today found the source of the quote "Feminism is the radical idea that women are people". The sources are (drumroll) Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler. Their bibliographies look hot and inviting. Tantalizing, even.
Posted by: Olle Jonsson at Jun 25, 2005 5:37:29 PM
I have to tell you, as a slightly overweight, 41-year-old, straight male, that yes, I do worry all the time about being flabby and unappealing. I think it's crossed the gender line. Men are supposed to be muscular and have strong jaws and full head of hair and the paunchy, and balding among us feel very intimidated by all the fit, good-looking male movie stars that women pine after. I'm pitifully grateful for my full head of hair.
Posted by: David Morrison at Aug 5, 2005 2:02:01 AM
I have to tell you, as a slightly overweight, 41-year-old, straight male, that yes, I do worry all the time about being flabby and unappealing. I think it's crossed the gender line. Men are supposed to be muscular and have strong jaws and full heads of hair. The paunchy and balding among us feel very intimidated by all the fit, good-looking male movie stars that women pine after. I'm pitifully grateful for my full head of hair.
Posted by: David Morrison at Aug 5, 2005 2:04:22 AM
Perhaps we watch too much TV.
Posted by: Sean at Nov 5, 2005 11:54:19 AM
Looks like Halley the confident social critic isn't feeling so confident these days. All her judging, all her watching, all her self-belief that she is in control of every person and situation around her. Halley used watch the cave-men fight. You used to believe the shallow little beasts were all so cute and predictable. You were in control as you watched the alphas run about, them not having a clue to what really drives their actions.
But it's a new day.
Now you're the one being judged, looked up and down. So, you use your intellect and reason to justify how magazines are 'wrong'. Yet you used to celebrate this very behaivor a few years ago.
You're still hanging out at the shallow end of the pool.
Posted by: Tracie at Nov 12, 2005 9:58:05 AM
Looking at the front pages of the magazines we can hardly identify the age of the girls. They make them mature enough for women at their thirties think they are of their age and suffer because they do not look so perfect. But i know a lot of wjmen who understand that it's just a fasion industry and it's fullish to wear all that makeup every day.
Posted by: Helen at Nov 15, 2005 4:09:58 AM
